The house that Hooli (wants) built

As shed-dwellers you can imagine that the building of ‘the house’ is a common goal and much speculation goes into what kind of house we would like, what rooms we’d have and where, and especially how to take the most advantage of the almost 360 degree views (without spending $300,000 on glazing...). While pouring over my latest, gorgeous copy of Sanctuary Magazine (eco-builder wannabe porn) I have given some more thought to the idiosyncratic features I would like my ‘dream’ house to have (warning: more dot points).

·         My sons will have their own bathroom, 90% of the floor will be a drain. 10% of the floor will be a very narrow bridge between the door and the bath/shower. We will collect the greywater from the bath via the drain and that alone will sustain the 1 acre of semitropical rainforest on our hill. It is a complete circle of life – the mud they subsume into their clothing and skin from the property will be returned to the property.

·         80% of the ceiling of my husband’s own private toilet will be exhaust fan. Self-evident.

·         My toilet will have its own bookshelf. And a reclining toilet if such a thing exists by then.

·         I will follow Virginia Woolf’s advice and have a ‘Room of My Own’ (and the current $AUD of $500 a year – hopefully). In MY room I will have all the furniture that I have had to prevent my husband from donating to hard rubbish collection (he lacks all sentiment for my childhood bedroom furniture). It will contain all my books (including outdated uni textbooks). It may possibly also contain a home brandy distillery and a life-size cut-out of Colin Firth. It will be double-insulated to be soundproof. Whether this insulation will take the form of padded walls is yet to be determined.

·         It will have a big, open concrete bunker-esque type rumpus room – aka The Boys Domain. They (husband, two boys) can run amok here. Drum kits, pool table, Wii – whatever – they can do their boots. I will not hear them in my womb room.



From New Directions in Australian Architecture, Stutchbury & Pape Architects



·         This concrete bunker will also double as our cyclone shelter. At first warning of the approaching cyclone I will be airing this room out of all congested testosterone induced aromas *shudders*. Windows will only be closed at the sight of the first cow flying over our roof. Boys stink.

·         It will have a freaking awesome verandah (sorry, outdoor room, entertaining area – whatever Jamie Durie is calling it) on which we ‘will watch lightning crack over canefields, laugh and think that this is Australia’.

·         It will have a gourmet kitchen with European appliances in which my husband will whip up sumptuous meals while his apprenctices (the boys) assist as part of their training to be the 2015 and 2017 Junior Masterchefs.  It will also have a microwave for the nights ‘Mummy’s cooking’ so I can reheat the leftovers.

·         It will be so freaking environmentally sustainably, passively solar, wind-generated (from the inside – boys!) that David Suzuki will ring and ask to board with us.

·         Cupboards and drawers won’t have handles. I hate clutter!

·         It will be self-cleaning. That was a given, right?

This isn’t too much to ask is it? I’ll be the perfect client for any architect, builder, tradesman (shirt on or off). As long as the final product is so awesome that Kevin McCloud  (pause for Kevin McCloud *swoon*) flies out all the way from the UK to do a special episode of Grand Designs. That can happen, right? Now where is my 2B pencil and graph paper - I have a home to build.

What rooms or features would you like in your dream 'if only' house? Especially, just for your benefit...